What does this mean for couples therapy?

These urges are like tidal movements, natural and normal. But because of things we learn in our childhoods, we often follow one urge when we actually want to do the other.

It’s this dissonance between what we want and what we’re actually doing that causes us to fight with our partners. The good news is that conflict is necessary and important. It’s how we figure out how to rebalance our lives. 

Couples therapy is about getting you into and out of conflict without hurting each other too much. We do this by learning to be compassionate to ourselves while also being empathetic to our partners.

•Is it feeling harder to connect than it used to?

•Does it feel like conflicts are getting more difficult, or not getting resolved?

•Are you daunted by big decisions, like opening the relationship, children, moving, or marriage?

•Do you find yourself fighting about money?

I have a lot of respect for the challenge and the labor that goes into maintaining relationships. As a therapist I am an advocate for the relationship as a whole while also being attuned to you individually. I track when my clients are reactive or defensive and offer myself as a resource to help them regulate themselves. From that place of semi-calm, we can hold the kind of both-and state of mind that allows us to love ourselves and our partners at the same time — even if that way of loving means more distance or separation.

I pay close attention to the way that differing identities like race, gender, and sexuality might be playing a role in my clients’ relationships. My approach is LGBTQIA+ affirming, kink-friendly, and inclusive of non-monogamous and polyamorous relationship structures.